Saturday night I closed, getting off at midnight and home around 12:30. The drive was uneventful, stopped for a soda and smokes, it's graduation weekend and the streets are empty.
I new what I was going home to, the "kids", some tube, check the e-mail, and bed. Now dont take this the wrong way, but somtimes the greatest pitfall of going to sleep is having to wake up. The thought of waking up the next morning was building in my chest as I unlocked the door and walked into unconditional love of our dogs. Barking, yowling, jumping up and scampering, "DADDIES HOME, gotta pee, DADDIES HOME, gotta poo..................DADDIES HOME!!!!!" How can anyone remain down walking into that?
We all trolluped upstairs and out, the dogs doing their thing and I just waiting for them to return. We walked back into the house, treats were handed out and we went upstairs. I turned on the tube in the bedroom to occupy the pooches as i went into the office read that day's mail and checked e-mail. I played a few games of free cell (rigged!). Seemed like anything to avoid going to bed, but eyes started to win the battle and I shut down and closed off the office and headed to bed. As I walked into the bedroom there was Jubiee and Gambit on the bed tails wagging and Rogue on one of the dog beds, her front paws crossed so polite and lady like (cough cough yea lady like). I usually set the timer when I have the TV on when I go to bed but not tonight. I lay there, not being able to tell you what was one just images and sound. Gam and JuJu knew something was up as one tucked alog side of me as the other flanked my other side. there the three of us lay until it was later that morning and I guess I woke up.
I Lay there thinking of the day and what to do before work. (Heather had bought the "Procrastenators Handbook" supposedly for her but I think it was meant for me all along). It is time to finally put music together for Heather's celebration, I better do it and now, have had enough of the "tomorrow" days to do it. Now is the time for action.
I sat at the computer and opened up her ITunes, damn da wife has music to pick from. As I sat there, one song that Heather was emphatic about having wasn't in her library. I went to the IStore found it and downloaded it. Out of Heather's gazzilion songs I found about 55 that I have made a play list of for the celebration. The most impactful, at least for me, will be played at the at the begining during the moment of reflection. I selected these items 1. because of the meaning it had for us both (Sara M-Angel) will start very slow and emotional, yet meaningful to us both. Sara is a spokesperson for the ASPCA and this song plays in the background of a fundraising commercial. Needless to say abused and neglected animals touched us both deeply and would bring us to tears. Next something a little more (hell of a lot more) emotional will play, third- Fame by David Bowie, foiurth-Hard Headed Woman by the King when he was the King, fifth-She's a Rebel by Green Day, Lust for Life by Iggy Pop and finally Heather's must have song, (and I agree 1000%) What a Wonderful World by Joey Ramone. The rest of the music will be subdued so we can turn it down for background as anyone who wishes to speak can and to fill the void when there is silence.
I looked at my options and finished the play list.....................................then I listened. Red wet eyes, and shaking hands before the intro to Angel was over (Yea wife big stoic guy thats me!).
As I listened to the metatative music one word just fill my being forcing out all the built up juck (family friendly) and that word was why....................why...........................Why! The more I listened the more pain and anger grew again WHY! And yet the music soothed at the same time, for each and every song fits Heather to a T.
Gam and Jubie came over to me, Gam licking my legs while Jube stood on her back legs her front paws on my thighs both tails wagging to cheer up their dad. It didn't stop the tears but it did make me stop and smile and be grateful for what I had then, now, and the unkown future.
The two kids help snap me back to reality so to speak.
I got dressed for work, and checked my e-mail one more time. My dad had forwarded a few items to me that he had received, one titled "spiritual slideshow". I open, watched, and reflected as the slideshow went on with the end message that there is no coincidence but reasons why everything happens. For me getting this slide show on this day was not coincidence but didnt answer why but made me realize that there is a reason for it that I just haven't found or accepted yet. And one of the first times I actually fowarded the letter to people. Some that I intended to send I know that I missed and will correct that. Making sure my eyes were dry I left for work.
The biggest part of my job is to be with the guests, upbeat and warm. Not today, I stayed towards the back keeping an eye on things and only going up front is needed. It was a slow day which made it even worse as time dragged on. As a small dinner crowd came I reached in my pocket and pulled out my cell phone, the time was 5:41 pm, I teared up again. I finished my shift and headed home again this time looking forward with a smile to the greeting I would get, a weight slowly was being lifted, the clock was heading toward a new day.
The routine started, dogs out/in grab a coffee and head upstairs. Tonight I met my parents on SKYPE and we talked, laughed, joked and yes let a tear roll without a fight this night. When it came time to sign off the clock had changed to Monday the 15th. No longer was it Sunday June 14th.................the 14th..............................the damned 14th!
When will the 14th of a month become just a date and not a painful memory. I cant wait for that day to come and yet there is something inside that tells me that I will always need to remember
the events of that day and just readjust my filter to remember the good and tone the pain.
This Sunday June 14th made two months to the day, next Sunday is fathers day and the following Saturday is Heather's celebration. Anyone out there with any emotional steroids? lol
much love
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