Sunday, November 17, 2013

Its been quite a long time since I have returned here. Not sure if anyone visits not really sure if I care if they do.

This is going to be a bit of a private letter Heather. Wife I don't know where to begin, I miss you every day, I still tell you that I love you no matter where you are every morning when I wake up, I still ask for you help and strength on the days that I know are going to be rough. I hope that you hear me and to a degree I can feel you by my side when I need help.

There is still such a huge damn hole being gone that I don't know if I am afraid to, wont, or cant fill. Until this past week I can count on one hand how many times that I had slept on your side of the bed or for that matter sat on your side of the couch. And maybe that is one reason why I haven't had a restful sleep since you left. I started getting in on your side of the bed and using both sides and have found a bit of relief in doing so, Jubilee isn't too happy about it but now when she comes up we snuggle more and has made me think of the day that we went to the shelter and brought her home.

So much is happening and yet I feel stagnant without you here to experience them with me, and yet there are things that we started that I have not finished because you aren't here to see them. Does that sound stupid or what? I know that we talked about how I should move on with my life but I cant or wont and I don't know which it is. I have had attempted to have encounters or dating in the [past that has not worked out, not being ready or not wanting to do in the first place who know which it is or maybe I am just doing it because it is what is expected of me to do. I have allowed myself to pull back and push away people and family that are close to me and were close to us afraid of being left behind again I think so better if I was the one to fade away and then I couldn't get hurt again maybe?
It still makes me uneasy when people tell me how glad that they were that we were together and how good I was to you, if so why do I feel hypocritical about it?

I am tired of being alone tired of not having people to talk too or be around and it is no ones damn fault but mine and mine alone. Yet I am afraid of the reaction of anyone that I reach out to. I don't want sympathy I don't want your death to be an emotional crutch that gives or attracts privileges, and I am not all that certain that in some warped sick way that I would look for them at the same time with the emphasis or focus on receiving sympathy for the past and not motivation for the future.

Lets see some things that you may want to know

my parents still have mass said for you every year
I have started to go back to church not every Sunday but more than not, light a candle for you every time I do, our parents, the kids that are with you and Jubilee
your dad is great and I don't stay in touch with him enough
your mom and I had a falling out shortly after you left and haven't been in touch since
most of the jewelry that you made I took to the cancer center for the patience to have, as well as a lot of your stuff I have given either to your friends that I know would use it or to charities
if I ask Jubilee where 'mom ' is she still sits by the book shelf where your remains are and looks up
Mary has been fantastic over the years cant say enough about her and how she  and at times Dave and the girls have really helped out when I needed it
Mr Reed still comes by and takes care of the beds a few times during the summer and the gutters during the fall with Mr Washington
Have not been able to watch DWTS Bones or YTYCD since you left.
Suppernatural is still on and Sam and Dean are still the ultimate Ying and Yang of wimp and dickiness
James and Sue and doing well Ethan and Hannah are getting big and making me feel old lol
We missed out not watching NCIS you would have really enjoyed it so many times I have found myself turning my head and looking at your side of the couch when watching it
Clark finally put on the tights and cape and flew in the last episode of Smallville, teared up looking for your hand to hold at the end
At Christmas I find a charity to donate to in your name without you here to give presents too.
Its no longer Ruchee but there is still an Indian restaurant there with I take turns between there and Franks and have dinner on your birthday and death day (wow that is weird to say)

Damn it wife you need to be here, I should be talking to you and not writing a letter to a memory or a spirit. It was just suppose to be a joke who was going to go first and us grow old together and fade away. Besides women are suppose to out live men you butthead!!! And hear you go and leave me to deal with everything. I know like you really had a choice in the matter but that is how it feels sometimes. I miss you wife and maybe we will be back together down the road but there is still a ton of stuff I need to get off of my fat lazy ass and get done first maybe this is the first step.

Love you wifey no matter where you are!