Sunday, November 17, 2013

Its been quite a long time since I have returned here. Not sure if anyone visits not really sure if I care if they do.

This is going to be a bit of a private letter Heather. Wife I don't know where to begin, I miss you every day, I still tell you that I love you no matter where you are every morning when I wake up, I still ask for you help and strength on the days that I know are going to be rough. I hope that you hear me and to a degree I can feel you by my side when I need help.

There is still such a huge damn hole being gone that I don't know if I am afraid to, wont, or cant fill. Until this past week I can count on one hand how many times that I had slept on your side of the bed or for that matter sat on your side of the couch. And maybe that is one reason why I haven't had a restful sleep since you left. I started getting in on your side of the bed and using both sides and have found a bit of relief in doing so, Jubilee isn't too happy about it but now when she comes up we snuggle more and has made me think of the day that we went to the shelter and brought her home.

So much is happening and yet I feel stagnant without you here to experience them with me, and yet there are things that we started that I have not finished because you aren't here to see them. Does that sound stupid or what? I know that we talked about how I should move on with my life but I cant or wont and I don't know which it is. I have had attempted to have encounters or dating in the [past that has not worked out, not being ready or not wanting to do in the first place who know which it is or maybe I am just doing it because it is what is expected of me to do. I have allowed myself to pull back and push away people and family that are close to me and were close to us afraid of being left behind again I think so better if I was the one to fade away and then I couldn't get hurt again maybe?
It still makes me uneasy when people tell me how glad that they were that we were together and how good I was to you, if so why do I feel hypocritical about it?

I am tired of being alone tired of not having people to talk too or be around and it is no ones damn fault but mine and mine alone. Yet I am afraid of the reaction of anyone that I reach out to. I don't want sympathy I don't want your death to be an emotional crutch that gives or attracts privileges, and I am not all that certain that in some warped sick way that I would look for them at the same time with the emphasis or focus on receiving sympathy for the past and not motivation for the future.

Lets see some things that you may want to know

my parents still have mass said for you every year
I have started to go back to church not every Sunday but more than not, light a candle for you every time I do, our parents, the kids that are with you and Jubilee
your dad is great and I don't stay in touch with him enough
your mom and I had a falling out shortly after you left and haven't been in touch since
most of the jewelry that you made I took to the cancer center for the patience to have, as well as a lot of your stuff I have given either to your friends that I know would use it or to charities
if I ask Jubilee where 'mom ' is she still sits by the book shelf where your remains are and looks up
Mary has been fantastic over the years cant say enough about her and how she  and at times Dave and the girls have really helped out when I needed it
Mr Reed still comes by and takes care of the beds a few times during the summer and the gutters during the fall with Mr Washington
Have not been able to watch DWTS Bones or YTYCD since you left.
Suppernatural is still on and Sam and Dean are still the ultimate Ying and Yang of wimp and dickiness
James and Sue and doing well Ethan and Hannah are getting big and making me feel old lol
We missed out not watching NCIS you would have really enjoyed it so many times I have found myself turning my head and looking at your side of the couch when watching it
Clark finally put on the tights and cape and flew in the last episode of Smallville, teared up looking for your hand to hold at the end
At Christmas I find a charity to donate to in your name without you here to give presents too.
Its no longer Ruchee but there is still an Indian restaurant there with I take turns between there and Franks and have dinner on your birthday and death day (wow that is weird to say)

Damn it wife you need to be here, I should be talking to you and not writing a letter to a memory or a spirit. It was just suppose to be a joke who was going to go first and us grow old together and fade away. Besides women are suppose to out live men you butthead!!! And hear you go and leave me to deal with everything. I know like you really had a choice in the matter but that is how it feels sometimes. I miss you wife and maybe we will be back together down the road but there is still a ton of stuff I need to get off of my fat lazy ass and get done first maybe this is the first step.

Love you wifey no matter where you are!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Chocolate Cake White Frosting

Monday 8-9-10, I had chocolate cake with white frosting, this weekend Indian food.

Happy 49 Wifey

We miss and love you

Stay Groovy

Friday, July 9, 2010

the circle is complete

Where to start, I know its been forever since the last post and I doubt if many if any aare still checking in but I feel that I need to a few things off my chest.

Needless to say the holidays were rough as I mentioned in the last post, the weather didnt make things any better. One of the worst winters here in Richmond in years. We had more snow in the last 12 months than in the last 10 years I heard one report say. The dogs loved playing in the snow. For some reason even though Rogue hates going out in the rain, and runs for cover when it thunders, both her and Jubilee love walking stading laying and even trying to catch snow flakes. Too bad they dont know how to shovel the drive way though. But the snows brought back memories of living in the apartment and walking Spike. Especially when we got our last big dump and you could lose the little guy as he walked, thank goodness for leashes.

Heather's father came out to visit the first part of February and fortunately our third straight snow storm actually turned to rain. There was plenty still on the ground to remind him of home. It was a great time, not that we really did much hung out saw Sherlock Holmes, went to a gun show. But it made me realize how lucky I am to have people like Will and Sharon. Like posting I am terrible at keeping in touch with those that are supportive and should be shot for it at times. They are always in my thoughts, I wish I could really let them know how much the mean and I appreciate them.

February 14th, Valentines day. OK lets be realistic it really sucked. Not only because Heather wasnt here to share it with but also because it was the 10 month mark since she passed. A double whammy if you like. I went to Starbucks that day, as I was ordering my drink the barista (Liz) asked if I had big plans and then caught herself and appologized. But what can you do it happened, there isnt any reason for someone to appologize and the more people do the more that I realize that I am not doing Heather or myself any good being stagnant. But February 14th also started the mental countdown to April 14th. Something that I tried to keep supressed but pop up every once in awhile (like 10 times a day). Fortunately work had me in overdrive to help, being short staffed that made more work for me and helped keep my mind (what there is of it ) busy.

Easter was antother strange holiday, I pulled the bunny ears out for the dogs but it just wasnt the same. I kept looking for the Peeps that Heather would let air dry so they were crunchy when she ate them.

The week of April 14th I was given a heads up that I was going to need to let an associate go, unfortunately it was scheduled for that day. I started to tense up the Friday prior and my staff and customers that know me could tell something was up. That Wednesday morning I was a wreck, I was no good to myself, the staff or my location. When my boss arrived around 9 am, I thought that it was so we could let the associate know that that was going to be their last day. Instead we went into the office began to talk and I broke, and broke very hard. I relived the begining to end with my boss, most of the time with my head in my hands and face red and covered in tears. I told him that I needed to leave when he asked if there was anything he could do. He covered my position I said my goodbyes and left. I was stumped I didnt know what to do or where to go.

As I pulled out of the garage I decided to retrace my steps that day last year. I started by going back to work went in and hung out for a bit. the lunch rush hadnt started yet so I was able to talk to the people I worked with. Once they started to get busy I left. I decided in the car that there were pages that still needed to be turned to close this chapter. I stopped at a local grocery and picked up 3 thank you cards and 3 dozen roses.

First stop MCV an the 8th floor. I had never came back to the hospital liked I planned to thank the staff like the clinic or oncology center. My chest grew tight as I pulled into the parking garage grabbed a card and a dozen roses and made my way inside. Walked passed the desk, got my ticket validated and made my way to the elevator. Nothing had changed except for the reason to be there. I still didnt know what my reaction was going to be when I got to the floor. I got off of the floor and caddy corner to the nursing station was Heather's room. I paused and as tears formed again I made my way to the desk. When I got there the nurses saw the roses in my hands and asked who the lucky lady was. Short simple and to the point I said that they were for you the staff handed off the rose and the card which inside simply said "Thank you for taking care of my Wife Heather A. Brown, 4-14-2009". I gave the best grin I could muster and turn to get the hell off of the floor. As I was waiting at the elevator, 3 of the nurses came around te corner to me. They pulled me to the side thanks me and told me how they remembered Heather and how great she was brave never any trouble. I recognized all three even though I never knew them by name. The one that I was really glad to see was the one who was with Heather's mom and I holding her wrist til the very end.

As bad as I needed to get the hell out of there there was a calming that came. Next stop was the ladies clinic.

For those of you who dont know the ladies clinic and oncology center are in the same building. I parked illegally in a pickup/dropoff zone grabbed the remaining cards and roses and headed to the oncology center. I got off of the elevator and made my way to the desk, flowers and cards in hand I asked if I could go back and see the girls. The receptionist as always with a huge smile buzzed me in. I got back to the treatment room it took aminute for the nurses that I knew to recognize me and come over. Again I was asked about the flowers and got the same surprised look when I handed them over we cahatted for about 15 seconds before they needed to get back to their patients. As one left she reached under the desk and pulled out Heather's pink umbrella and showed me.

I smiled.

Saying my goodbyes to the desk staff I made my way to the clinic side of the building, again I passed out the flowers and cards and asked for some reason if either of Heather's doctors were in. Doctor O'Connel was in the called back and they said she could see me in a minute. I waited in the lobby til called. You would be amazed at the looks a guy will get standing alone in a womans clinic lol. I was called and the nurse that took me back to an exam room was tellinig me how she remembered Heather. Good, bad indifferent or uncanny fate, the room that she took me to was the exam room that we were in when we were given the news. Not the most pleasant of feelings settled in my stomach.

Dr. O'Connel came in, it appeared that she had the makings of tears in the corners of her eyes as well. First she appologized for not making it to the celebration due to being on call. the we chatted but as I told her the only reason for being there was to thank her and Dr. Boreman for the care that they gave Heather, and treating HER and not a number on a chart. With that I left, surprising the car ws still there and no ticket and made my way home.

By the time I got home and let the girls out, gave them treats I went to the book case took Heather and sat on the couch. I looked at the cable box and the clock read 5:42.

One very important thing that I realized that day, I had supressed my feeling for a year trying to keep moving and yet was probably the worst thing I could have done. Not that I was in a kick up your heels good mood, but I was at a peace that I hadnt felt in a long long time. It still made me laugh that Heather found away out of tax day though lol.

The next few months have just been crazy busy at work not leaving much time for anything else.

Both Fathers day and Mothers day passed and I forgot to call or send cards out to people. Talk about feeling like crap, one of the responsibilities I havent completely taken over yet is keeping up with birthday, holidays, etc. involving cards or calls.

In June, antoher mental count down began. The day of the celebration. Even though I listen to Heather's voice mail greeting from time to time especially when I need a pick me up, It has been months since I looked at the pictures from the celebration. I opened the laptop and ran the slide show. Again I cried like a baby looking at all the people that Heather had touched and thinking of those that werent there that she had. I drove by parked but could not find my way into the library that day. Heather is still remembered this day at the library, I have been taking a little at a time books off of the shelves and donating them to library and each time a librarian will say how they remember Heather.

Now for the circle being complete, I didnt want to post anything until after last weekend. Last 4th of July Monday is when I lost my big buddy Gambit, damn do I still missi him. I know in my gut that he stayed long enough to get me through the rough parts before joining his mother and I will always be thankful for that.

In the words of one of Heather's favorite characters from the novels she read, Joe Pike, "Always forward never back". OK wife, time for me to move forward just keep me from being dumb. (and she thought her job was over HA!)

Which pretty much brings us to date.

Love you all

Scott Rogue and Jubilee

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I have been the luckiest man in the world

It has been brought to my attention that I need to blog more and yes Ms. Fergie you are right.

Ok lets face facts, 2009 just absolutely sucked and to be honest put me in a tail spin that I still havent pulled out of completely. So you might wonder why I chose that title. plain simple truth is that it is true I have been the luckiest man in the world. Unlike many I didnt marry to early or too often like many today. I was lucky that I waited until I met Heather, though it was later in life at the age of 39. We got married when I was 40 and for the next 9 years 6 months and 26 days I was the luckiest husband there could be even though I do admit that I didnt realize it all of the time.

She was my inspiration, motivation, drive, and yes pain in the butt, but all for the better of us. This also I didnt truely appreciate until too late.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Thanksgiving and where to begin

Hey Tammy I know its not Wednesday but here it is!!! LOL

Hello and a very Happy New Year, belated Merry Christmas and Happy Hanuka. Its been awile and maybe there is one or two of you that are stiull out there.

Where to begin? I guess that would be Thanksgiving and the good and bad that came with it. I received a call from an old friend and coworker just prior to thanksgiving out of the blue. She was stressed in her tone and it actually surprised me that she had my phone number. As it turned out she was calling and asking for I guess guidance. She informed me that she had just lost her husband who had been battling kidney disease for avery lengthy time. And as ironic quirky or coincidental this screwed up world can be, she lost Charlie October 14, the six month anniversary of Heathers passing. Strange? Or was it something more that in that conversation with her and reliving her recent pain as she asked questions it made me bring out stuff that I have buried inside and maybe help put pieces together of a broken puzzle. We talked at length at that night and a lot of pain and anger was released by both of us.

It would be fair to say that this season was not being looked forward too at all. Too damn much was going to be missed.

As I had mentioned in earlier posts Heather was the organizer almighty lol. This needless to say also included sending out birthday and Christmas cards. I received a call in the begining of November from Heather's father, which is always a good thing. This time it was different, see he had just had a birthday and even knowing that there wasn't going to be one still waited for a cheery happy birthday call from Heather. I felt lame because again, this is what "Heather did", and I am sure that Heather's mom went through the same on her birthday the first of December.

I appreciate very much all of you that sent e-mails to me to check in going into the holidays you have no idea how much it helped.

My parents made a "Northern Expedition" from Florida stopping here first for Thanksgiving on their way up to DC to spend Christmas with my brother and his family. Though it was a great time and the first Thanksgiving that I had spent with them in years, my thought kept straying back to last year prior to the diagnosis, she had just got home from having here surgery and her nephew Heath was here for the holiday. We still had Neutron, and Gambit was still around being his Gambi self lol. At that time, things were looking good. So much can change in a year. The activity was the same. the "love" in the air was the same, but it just WASN"T THE SAME. Don't misunderstand, I had a great time with my parents (even though my mother still owes me taking a taste of lamb you butthead) a friend came over and had dinner with us that Saturday, but there was just an immense black hole that I pray will either close or be easier to deal with in the future.

And yet I looked around with and without my parents around and I still have so much to be thankful for, because of Heather, family and riends and those of you that have reached out to me I will never meet I shouldn't complain. One of the heroes in a novel series that Heather loved had an explaination for the red arrowhead tattoos on his shoulders pointing ahead and it went like this- "Never step back always move forward". (thank you Joe Pike)

Monday, October 19, 2009

A prayer for the loss of one of our 23

Tonight I received word that one of our 23 has had a loss. The loss of a companion, one of unconditional love, devotion, fun, frolic, slobbery kisses, wagging tails, and I am sure there had to be mischief involved as well. Their companion succumbed tonight and needed to be put to rest. Any and all losses are catastrophic, especially when it involves one that is always there when you come home, doesn't judge, and always finds a way to raise your spirits whether it be human or canine and no words can ever relieve the pain. Tonight I say a doggy prayer, and extend support to one of our 23 dealing with their loss.

With sympathy and support

Scott, Rogue, and Jubilee

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Six months ago

5:41 P.M. six months ago I stood in front of Heather, my right hand on her shoulder as she faded to her next adventure as she left this one behind. Six months ago today I was responsible for informing family and friends of Heathers passing. Six months ago today I walked my wife, along with my parents and her mother, to the morgue and kissed her goodbye. Six months ago tonight we came home, toasted Heather and watched the elimination night of Dancing With the Stars. Six months ago on a day very similar today cold, and overcast I lost my wife friend and partner, others lost their daughter, sister, friend, and co-worker. Six months ago the world lost a modern wonder.

I have spoken to Heather's father, Mary, and my parents all fighting back tears as we spoke of how long and how quick these six months have gone by.

Because of six months ago tonight I will sit with a glass of chocolate milk, hold Heather's ashes in my lap and watch last nights Dancing with the Stars. I will cry laugh and smile and remember the woman that I never truly knew until she was gone.

Tonight I mourn and celebrate Heather Alexandra Annette Henry Brown.

Just like me, the world has no idea of just what it had lost six months ago.

I miss and love you wifey and always will, the kids and I wish you were here.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

the Book That Wont End

**I was going to delete this post mainly because at the time it the events of the weekend were a bit painful to complete and the reason for lack of following post. It will remain incomplete at this time, as we move forward.**

How many chapters are there going to be in this book? It seems recently there is something that either comes in the mail, I see on the road, or I find in the house that either makes me laugh like an idiot or pains me like being impailed by a spike.

This has been an unusual summer in Richmond, I heard on the radio that this is the first recorded summer with no bad air quality days. It has been slightly cooler than normal and regular rain fall that has not created a need for water restrictions, the first that I remember since moving here. The nuts ar falling early from the trees causing some to say that per the Farmers Almanac means an early and rough winter ahead. Also the humidity has been much lower than in recent memory. All what Heather enjoyed, cool dry summer days. The garden has flourished in spite of being neglected by me this year just being either too tired from work or procrastinating because I will be working alone in the beds. The roses where outrageous this year in my opinion, and due to the unique season we are having, have bloomed again withing the past three weeks. When I first pulled in the drive after they had bloomed I sat in the car and just looked at them and smiled as Jubilee and Rogue howled awaiting me to enter and let them out. A cone flower has blumed for the first time in three years, and Heather's Lamb's Ears has spread through out the front bed. Her Zebra Grass is attempting to creat it's own personal rain forrest while two new Nandina's have sprouted as well. I mention this because today as I was out cutting the grass I stopped several times and thought of how the yard was when we first moved in, and how Heather had a vision of how to make it beautiful. Toil, sweat, heated arguments, blistered hands, a broken foot, sore muscle and joints and her vision was almost complete. Dropping an irrigation system and she would be satisfied.

I have a shrub that Heather had bought for me that I have yet to plant, she bought it just prior to making the turn and to be honest I am at a lost as to where to put it without her input. It is called the "Dark Knight", she bought it for me because of the Batman reference. Silly isn't it, not being able to plant a damn shrub on my own. That's just the way things can be at the moment. But I do make sure that I keep the grass on the street side of the shrubs cut, lol, I can just hear her saying "how can you cut the front yard and not get the grass by the street?" Amazing how things that irritated you once can now make you laugh and smile.

I still have items that I need to deal with, and a major one is clearing out what was to be Heather's craft room. She wanted the room to do sewing, knitting, beading, and turn into a mini studio in an attempt to become a voice over artist. It is also the room in which Heather kept all of her jewelery.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

ohhhhhh HELLL no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok has anyone else's metaphysical eardrums shattered over the last two nights besides mine? Monday night, THE night, the return of Dancing With The Stars, a night that I have looked forward to and dreaded was upon us. Yes maybe a little over dramatic but very very emotional all the same. I had the DVR set and started the show about 20 minutes in and as soon as I did, emotion and tears took over as the intro music started. Next when the male dancers came out, cringed when they showed Mark and got a big smile on my face when I saw that Louie was back (probably Heather's favorite of the male dancer beause of his talent and choreography). Then the walk down the stairs and the pairs made their debut, and I swear Heather's box sent out shock waves and I could hear her screaming OH Hell No! as the walked down.

Some of the nicer things that came to mind in Heatherese were, "Look at Cheryl, they have her with that damn politician!!!!!!!!!!!!!!She looks horrified!, George Hamilton's kid (first who is he) and with Edyta? Donny Osmond, didn't Marie bring enough drama when she was on and they are going to try again??? Who the hell is that little blonde (family friendly) twerp trying to resurrect his career? Michael Irvin definately no Emmett or Jerry." And finally "They struck a gold mine with Ty last season he was cute, adorable, and a 50's throwback to the matinee hero (all of which were comments that she had made about Ty Murray), he is probably gentle as a lamb but Mark (MMA fighter) will scare the hell out of everyone" Now the Iron Chef Marc, also an actor in B and C movies would have probably won her over, and we dont even want to start about the snowboarder.

For those of you who knew Heather, and especially those who worked with her and analyze DWTS every Tuesday and Wednesday mornings might agree that I am not too far off the mark in how she viewed the first show, and can insert their own version of Heather's, ahh more elaborate lets say, terms for how she saw it (someohow that just brought a smile to my face).

The evening did bring on strong emotions though. I would look at her area, see her box, our portrait, the champaigne bottle from the night she left and we came home toasted her and watched DWTS, then look to her side of the couch (which Jubilee has claimed as her owned) looking at Jubie lying there yet seeing and hearing Heather as the show went on. I will admit it had me watery most of the night. Just another way that Heather stays with me of sorts.

As vaguely elluded to in an early post, my career has taken another turn. Either I have done something really right, OR I have really pissed someone off. Monday was my last day at Philip Morris, I have received a latteral promotion to be the Food Servicew Director at an account downtown in need of help. So either i go and turn things aroundor I'll be grateful that Congress just extended unemployment benefits lol. I do love a challenge, and this will be my mistress for time being.

Thats pretty much it for now.

Let me hear how you have seen DWTS so far, and did anyone notice the one female celebrity dancer who was caught rubbing her nose sort of down during the intros and then all shiney eye and smiley 10 minutes later? Sure I like a coke with my burger please and extra ketchup with my fries.

Da critters and me

Saturday, September 19, 2009

What a week, things were a little crazy getting ready for a new program at work. Last night was the first night that I got home before 8 pm and a rough count was 72 hours this week. The girls were great about not getting into mischief while I was gone and Mary (again) was great in helping when available. And...........................there maybe a new career step in my future due to my being such a "fluid" person but that will have to wait until I have more details.

It's currently 9:46 am est, as I post and I just woke up after logging in about 10.5 hours of sleep. I have shielded myself all week because of today how my reaction would be, thoughts, memories, etc.. Ten years ago "da Wife" and I said "I do", and we did. It was a sunny day then in the middle of Hurricane Floyd, and as I type a ray of sunshine is warming my face through the window. Its weird how at few things are going on this week, that or how the mind plays its tricks on you that the event is the reason for the happening. How certain shows either begin or end this week that we watched together, the pumpkin scone, "X-Men Origins-Wolverine" coming out on disc this week (Heather wanted to go to see Hugh Jackman's naked butt lol besides liking the movies) or how I woke up this morning. I went to bed last night with the TV on and did not set the timer, remembering the last 12 years the good and bad together and promised myself and Heather to stay upbeat all day today and fell asleep with the TV still on. When I woke up about 15 minutes ago that promise was immediately put to the test as I saw Ryan O'Neil standing over Ali MacGraw in a hospital bed towards the end of the movie "Love Story". Surprisingly the only emotion that I felt was comfort as I watched briefly Ali MacGraw looking up from the bed, the character displaying strength and love in her last moments and it warmed me thinking of Heather.

Well enough gooey stuff for now plenty to do today, clean, laundry, Starbucks, buy Wolverine and maybe a little Indian food later.

Love you all, and welcome to the new follower (ever want to make contact e-mail at

Scott, the X-pooches, squirrel, chipmunk, and toad