Sunday, June 28, 2009

Wife, you threw one hell of a party!

It's currently 7:16 am EST as I sit here with my coffee, Jubie lying beside me on the floor, Gambit and Rogue in the bedroom all have been fed and let out. Yet I still am struggling to figure out how to describe this weekends events as I did about five hours ago when I was sitting here with my Jack and water after all had left the house and the kids and I sat for and hour or two and were deafened by the post celebration silence.

The week itself has been one hell of a roller coaster ride with relatives, old and new friends coming in town, putting the final touches on, starting a new job, and oh yea trying to find time for myself (lol). All said and done there is only one thing that I, as you, would want to be changed...the reason.

I tried to start a post yesterday morning after putting things together to go to the library but didn't get a chance to finish as my helpers started to show up early so I guess the best way to start today is where I was going to start yesterday. (did that make sense, cobwebs will clear shortly lol)

I came home Friday afternoon from a short day at work, I spoke to my mom, and told her that I was going to take a nap and would call when I woke up. Ehhh about an hour and a half later I was awoken by my little protector Jubilee going off with her defense barowl (bark growl). Groggy but at least in my boxers and a t-shirt, eyes half shut I followed her to the den where someone was breaking in........................Dad and James. After we laughed (sort of, I can be very grumpy if I get woke up when not ready) about what part of "I will call you when I get up" nobody understood, we went out to the Florida room and talked about that night and anything left to be done for tomorrow (just us guys so still in boxers and t-shirt). Then another familiar voice was heard, (Willard, Heathers dad) as I saw him start to open the doors to join us. Before I could finish, "I hope you're alone I am just in my underwear", out walks Heathers second mom Sharon and sister Jennifer. Well hell lets just have a party now. I am ever so grateful that this didn't happen while sitting on the toilet, the bathroom is only so big and can only fit so many. I felt like I was Jack Klugman in an old episode of the Odd Couple. Well I did manage to save some dignity and did go and get my robe on after a bit lol. (surprised the woman didn't get sick as I tromped up the stairs in y shorts.)

When I came back down, I tried to be as polite as possible and let them know I just needed a little "self" time to get some of Heather's things together to take and to go to dinner and hang out without me tonight, also James and I decided to see a late showing of Terminator that evening as a mind break. Probably the toughest thing that I did all week was to go back into Heather's suitcase that I had put her items that I was going to keep, to get what I needed for Saturday. Just another one of those damn moments that makes you choke up.

As I was getting ready to go to the hotel, Bob and Yvonne stopped by to drop off a couple of tables for me to use at the house we chatted for a bit, Yvonne was going to be my "second" in the event that I started to break when I spoke about Heather and she would continue for me. Then I left for the hotel.

As I neared the hotel the sky was just amazing, at least to me, there were dark navy/midnight blue storm clouds scalloping the horizon, extremely bright remnants of the sunset crescent above and canopying that a light blue/battleship gray formation. I was awe struck as I looked toward that sky as fingers of lightning from the coming storm streaked through for effect. You think what you may, but I have my own thoughts on what I saw that evening.

I picked James up we went up enjoyed the movie, Heather would have too considering "Bill the vampire" from True Blood played "Marcus the terminator" (she did like the Aussie/Brit type). On the way back to the hotel to drop James off the skies open, crackled, and sparkled with a decent thunderstorm that I was glad to see hoping it would take some of the humidity out of the air for those not used to it (Kim). I dropped James off and went home.

The night before I do a big function I can never sleep, call it my version of pre-game jitters. Heather never understood this, but there is so damn much that runs through your mind the night before, mental checklist, contingency plans etc.. Well tonight was the DIA awards dinner multiplied by 1000. Somehow I did manage to fall asleep around 2:30. Got up at 6:00 and started to get ready. First dad and James helped with icing down and moving the sodas, along with last minute pick ups. Check and done back to the hotel. Next Bob and Yvonne with bar stools and ashtrays, load soda's and Heather's stuff check and done time now 11:58 and counting. Third, Mary brought over another table, she had her daughters with her who brought me drawings to make me smile, and they did. Thank you very very much girls it meant a lot to me. Check and done 12:10 and counting. Mary had left with her girls, and Bob, Yvonne, and I sat in the Florida room and talked until time to leave.

12:25 time to fire up and go, a quick stop at the gas station and then the library. When we arrived the group that had the room before us either cancelled or just didn't show and we were able get started setting the room up as soon as we got there. Leigh Perry, who Heather and met through the Virginia Romance Writers was already there and had done so much work already prior to Saturday to get the room ready. Even though she and I have had minimal contact she has done more that I can thank her for. OK boss time I pointed and directed, they did and asked what needed to be done next (I hope I wasn't too much of a directing ass but that is just how I am when it comes to set up). Room set and ready 1:40, check and done. Changed into fresh clothes, a t-shirt from one of B&Y's parties and shorts. With Leigh's huge help, Bob, Yvonne, Will, Doug, Sharon, and Jennifer the room looked great.

People started to show up a little before 2:00 which was great. People brought books to donate which was even better. And no one was in a tie which was fantastic! (I had James buy a cheap clip on so if I saw anyone in a tie he would put it on and I would call him to the front, cut it, and ask "who's next")

As people rolled in I saw familiar faces, family, and those who I have heard of from Heather, and those of you from the blog that have contacted me and I would get to meet later. And then there were two people very instrumental in mine and Heather's lives that showed. I started to play the Heather's play list that she had on her Ipod until I was comfortable in starting. I must admit though that the little bottle of Jose' at the registration table was full until I changed my clothes, I better admit it now considering Yvonne has blackmail wench. Pre-game over done check.

At 2:30 I turned the music off introduced myself, and laid out the format of the celebration. Very, very simple, as I have posted before this was a celebration sure there were going to be tears but my hope was more laughs and smiles and a greater insight into the wonderful person that was my wife. I was going to speak, read a gut wrenching e-mail that I received after Heather had past from someone who then and continues to find strength from Heather and how now she tends to be a smart ass and with her last e-mail to me (also read) addressed me as "knucklehead". I love you Jeannie, your hubby and kids are in my thoughts and yes you were there yesterday while still in California. Next I would start the play list that I made for Heather's celebration, a few songs that she requested (we all know that means demanded lol) and others that I felt were befitting of her. the it would be open forum for any and all to speak of how or what they knew of Heather good or bad. Celebration starting on time check done.

As I mentioned earlier Yvonne was to be my second in the event I started to break. As I spoke about Heather, my voice started to crackle. When it came time to introduce the two special people to us I began to shake. Next I knew, standing next to me, arm around my shoulder rubbing my back was a friend of Heather's mom by the name of Becca, that I had only met once nine years ago at Barbara's @#th birthday party (diplomatic enough Mama Wawa?), thank you Becca more than you know. That helped immensely as I called out Sandra Morton, the councilor that Heather and I went to and probably made the last year and a half that had our best (BTW Sandra looking good with the new do and the slim, and women don't think guys notice those thing HA lol). And the other special person to Heather and I in attendance, Dr. Tom Hainey, that's right Saint Francis in a smock, our vet. Who prior to Heather passing helped both us through what at that time was the toughest thing that I had ever had to deal with. The putting down of our first dog Spike The Crimungen lol. Thinking back on it maybe that is why I took Jubilee to get her nails cut the day after. After I finished speaking of Heather, Becca went back to Barbara's side. As I got ready to read the e-mails, I felt a weakness and called Yvonne to be by my side. With that little extra strength from Yvonne being there, I was able to get through the first e-mail surprising myself. And when it came to reading the second, well let's face it, when it starts off "Hey Knucklehead" how hard could it be to read? I then warned people of the music that was going to play, also that I had inserted Heather's voice mail greeting as part of the play list. Intro finished warning gave check done.

To give a little back story, Heather had a blond wig and cape that she wore for Halloween every year, I had them both with her pink leopard fuzzy slippers on the podium with me. As I warned people that the first two songs were going to be knife twisting in the gut hard to hear I had Yvonne help me put on the blond wig to lighten the room. As I returned to the podium and the first song started (Angel by Sara Mc Claclan? will find how to spell it later oops)I put Heather's pink slippers on my hands and flapped them as wings how appropriate. As expected a lot of tears, I asked those who wanted to to hold hands as the next song started (Don't forget me when I'm gone by Glass Tiger) then the final twist of the knife, Heather's voice mail greeting. I expected strong emotion when it would play but one thing that I did not expect were the chuckles that came when Heather said she would return your call sometime today. Then the music lightened ending with Joey Ramone's version of What a Wonderful World. Meditative music played, done check.

Next was open forum, Barbara started things off with a chronology of Heather's life amazing what all Heather had done in her life starting at such an early age. More tears and chuckles, Yvonne spoke of Heather and their friendship and shopping (sure that there is more lady fess up! lol). Next was Willard, if Frank Sinatra is known as Ol Blue Eyes, Willard is now know as Ol Squeeky Voice. Fighting back the tears he spoke off the cuff as he talked about Heather. When he finished the room went silent, I called out Heather's old friend Tammy from LA to come up and speak. So much I knew bits of to hear the missing pieces lol. (I'm sure that there is more).

There is nothing like the tone of someone speaking of someone close that they have lost, but when it comes to a parent speaking on the loss of their child it is almost unbearable. The courage it must have taken for both Willard and Barbara to stand in front of 49 people to do so is beyond me.

As Tammy finished the food arrived. It didn't seem as if anyone else were able to come up so it was a good time to dispense with the open forum and let people get to know each other. Open forum finished done check.

Thank you Frank and Giuseppe, your food was absolutely fantastic. Your eggplant parm was out of this world as usual. And that is the reason why Heather wanted her celebration catered. Like at a good party people began to eat and then the began talking to each other. As I walked around I saw nothing but smiles and laughs. More than what I could have hoped for. I also noticed for the first time how many books had been donated, and it appeared to be closed to 5 full bankers boxes that would be donated to the library in Heather's name, also a few came up to me and told me that they had donated to the Richmond SPCA. Again, even though requested, more than I could expect. the time flew by and next it was time to get the heck out of Dodge. the clean up began and everyone pitched in and we were out by 5:30. Thanks again hugely to Leigh Perry.
Success at the library, a good meeting of friends new and old, we spoke of Heather, Donation were made, and most importantly we celebrated and did not mourn! Check one.

For those who could, came to the house. Some of you got to meet and play with the kids and looked like you enjoyed it too for the most part lol. Wine was opened, beers were cracked, and drinks were made as we continued the gathering just as I had hope. We ate talked laughed and teared but we were together, there was an emotional strength in the number that had gathered this night in celebration. Then we got decadent.................... I had ordered Tiramisu from Frank's that was waiting for pick up. Yvonne and Sharon volunteered to pick it and bring it back when they returned I pour Kahlua as the Tiramisu was cut and we enjoyed Heather's favorite dessert as a group. I did steal away a couple times as I went outside and talked to Heather I told her how much I missed her and wished that she was here to enjoy her party. I told her how much I loved her and how no one could forget her, yes I did have my private moments. Bob came out once and joined me and we talked about Heather and had a smoke and Yvonne joined us.

One thing that I was not aware of is that in California they do not have Lightning bugs, and how for a few it was there first experience in seeing them. It was amazing to seen grown people with the glee and excitement of little children as they went into the back yard and caught the little glowing fairies to bring them into the Florida room and release them making the atmosphere almost magical. Again I needed to go outside and share with Heather.

As I finished I looked to the Florida room, and lying open the floor at the door, was little Jubilee watching over her dad and I honestly believe knew what I was doing and was just there for me.

The night grew late and the party started to slow. People had traveling to do tomorrow, it was a very strained day for us all, but it was a good day. People were in good spirits as they left even though the thought of what brought us together this night was still on there mind. I hope to keep in touch with all of those who came and host any who wish to come back and visit.

As the last person left, the pooches and I were left with that deafening silence that I mentioned in the beginning of this post. We sat before I realized that someone (I think I know who and thank you) had started to clean up. I gathered a little trashed and then brought my drink upstairs and attempted to post but couldn't. the day had worn me out.

Again the it was a good, no damn it, it was a great day. 98% perfect, the only thing that would have made it 100% a change in the reason that brought us together.

A successful celebration, and not a mourning. Check done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you who I have annoyed with the "check done", don't blame me, blame Heather. My damn wife has me making lists now. CHECK DONE!

thank you who came, and the support of those who couldn't

I love you all and stay in touch.

Scott, pooches, bunny, toad, and lightning bugs

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The count down begins

Its 2:07 pm thursday 6-25-9, and the count down begins. Heather's father flew into town on Monday night and has been staying with me. Either because I have stranted him without a car while I am at work, or because (the real reason) he cares, he has been wonderful getting the house ready for this weekend. Even going so far as to prime and paint the floor in the Florida room. My parents arrived yesterday afternoon, and Heather's mom and UE shortly after. the reality is slowly starting to set in that Saturday is the day. Damn it seemed so far away when everything happened now it will be here in a blink of an eye.

I went back to the cancer center this morning to invite both staffs of the cancer center and the woman's clinic to Heather's celebration. And yes I gave them the same warning that I have given all of you about your dress. While I was walking fro the cancer center to the clinic I noticed a woman talking to a couple. Just one of those things that catch your eye. When I walked back to the cancer center, I noticed that she was standing in front of the pharmacy and from seeing my own face I could tell she was fighting back tears. i asked her if she was OK, she nodded as she fought to get out "yes".

Something just prompted me as I stood in the middle of the elevator keeping the doors from closing to speak out. "The people are great here, they are going to take care of who ever is coming her. While my wife was coming here she couldn't say enough about the staff. You'll be in great hands". I still don't know why I told here that, probably because she needed someone to tell her its going to be ok. A very weak smile came over her face, nodded and said thank you.

Well the clock is running and there are people downstairs who think I am in the shower so I should run for now.

Stay Strong BALD POWER

Scott pooches, bunny and toad

Monday, June 22, 2009

yea thats me

Don't ask why it took so long but yes I followed it too. Got to go Scott's airport shuttle needs to make a run.

Again Grats to Heath!!

Scott, the pooches, the bunny, and toad

Stay strong!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day.........Anticipation (less than a week to go) .............Getting Gussied Up

A very good and sunny afternoon here in Richmond Virgina to everyone, especially the fathers out there.

Happy Father's Day to you! I bought myself a Father's Day present yesterday, an American flag for the front door to replace the one that the weather had worn down over the years. I put it out today while working in the yard, and as I put it in the bracket, the breeze picked up making the flag stand straight. there is nothing like seeing Old Glory sticking her chest out in the breeze, sort of gets you in the throat and heart.

It is a very good fathers day here as well, better than expected actually. Gambit was the first to wake me around 4 this morning to let him out so there wasn't an early present for me later lol. We went back to bed until they decided it was time for breakfast around 5:15 (the pooches have adapted to the old early routine a lot faster than their dad is btw). After the last kibble had been eaten they looked at me as I looked down at them and just shook my head with I think a smile and said "back to bed". Gam, Jube, and Rogue raced up the stairs and were standing by the bed with tails wagging. Once I climbed back in Jube and Gam were quick into action. They leaped into the bed, flanking me on both sides and the barrage of kisses began. I knew that resistance was futile, (hope the Borg don't show up next) and just gave in lying there smiling being appreciative. Petting them both until they settled down the snuggled in tight against me each with their head resting on an upper arm, Gambit on my right and Jubilee on my left. I wrapped my arms around them and went back to sleep. We finally woke up around 8:15. I did go and rub Heather after I finally woke, smiled thanked her for allowing us/me to have such wonderful kids and wished she was here........................TO MAKE ME PANCAKES!

I have come to the realization that there will always be times that will just kick me in the groin, take my breath away and make me extremely emotional. Those I cannot stop, and have a feeling that I will need from time to time. But I have also decided that instead of being depressed over such issues as today and Heather not tangibly being here, I will instead thank her for the time that we shared and reflect on those instead. That's easy for me to say now, I hope I feel the same closer to the big holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Well it is less than a week until Heather's celebration. I am still very mixed on it though. I know that it needs to happen and yet there is still part of me in denial that if it doesn't, somehow history will change and so the circumstance. I am very very much looking forward to meeting those of you who knew Heather prior to us meeting and hearing your stories about her (especially since she can't tell you to be quiet, you didn't think of that did you wifey lol). Again I cannot emphasis this strongly enough; THIS IS A CELEBRATION, NOT A MEMORIAL! We are here to celebrate Heather, her accomplishments, faults, friendship, and love. And yes I did say faults, they also makes us who we are and though they could make us swear when they happened many of them will make us laugh now and wonder if they truly were faults. Yes I understand that it will be very emotional and yes there will be tears, but we are not there to mourn but to celebrate and wish her a very happy Bon Voyage as we officially send her onto her new voyage. This is a casual affair, I will either be in shorts or jeans (hint, no mention of suit and tie-take the hint) and am entering this next brief paragraph as a warning.


There, now that the warning has been given, please remember that this is a casual and relaxed event. The reason why we are gathering, is more than enough stress and tension, I want everyone to be comfortable. If we ever meet again to go to the opera I will have my tux on and we can collectively try and loosen our collars and read the subtitles(lol).

There has been mention by one of Heather's friend of starting a book donation drive for the library in her honor. Anyone that is coming next Saturday cares to bring in a book to donate there will be boxes to drop them in.

If you noticed I have only mentioned the "the library", but for those who are coming it is the Bon Air branch of the Chesterfield Library 9103 Rattle Snake Road. Again as mentioned in an earlier post, please no flowers per Heather's request, make a donation instead to an animal rescue, cancer research, or woman's shelter. Two of Heather's animal charities that she donated to was the ASPCA (with full police powers, oh how she loved to here that in the opening credits of Animal Precinct) or the Richmond SPCA (where we adopted Rogue and Neutron). If you care to make a donation at the service please do so by check and to the RSPCA, those I can drive to the shelter.

Now as far as getting all gussied up, and just who is this person Gussy that I presume the phrase came from, I took all three pooches to the vet yesterday to have their nails trimmed so anyone meeting them would not be raked by the claws of Cerberus. I also had my ears lowered, another expression I would like to know how it got started, and am happy to report that my bald spot has grown back in and back to its natural color.

For those of you who did not know, that while Heather was going through chemo and lost her hair, it was brought to my attention by Leah who cuts my hair that I had little smaller than a half dollar size patch on the back of my head where the hair had fallen out. (stressed induced alopecia, or possibly second hand chemo effects from fluids). I went home that day and told Heather that I was suffering from sympathy baldness. We both laughed at that. When I got my hair cut after Heather had passed, Leah told me that the patch was almost completely grown back but snow white (to be expected), and then yesterday it had filled in and back to regular color. Guess the boss wants me to look my best for her big day.

One last thing before I log today. I would like to send my congratulations to Heather's nephew Heath. Heath has visited us twice, and was here for last Thanksgiving after Heather had her original surgery. Heath will not be able to join us next weekend because tomorrow, I am very proud and Heather is, to say that in the morning Heath receives his commission in the United States Army, and later that afternoon graduates from the Merchant Marine Academy. SALUTE!

Have a great and wonderful father's day


Scott the pooches, rabbit and toad

Friday, June 19, 2009

My First Steroid

Thank you very much, as I walk from the mailbox to the door opening a green envelope with a puppy-toon fathers day card. You get a tear, smile and chuckle. How did you guess I could use it?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Tomorrow, a new begining

Tomorrow is a new beginning. A new day, sunrise, and a new time to set the alarm clock. Tomorrow I begin my new job. Ironically, I will be a contractor at the same company that Heather worked at as a contractor the majority of the time that we were married. Though not in the same building I have already received support from here friends that work there and I would like to thank you all very much.

I went to the MC today to fill out all of my paperwork, tax forms, badge request. When I arrived at the location I ran into my old boss which now will be my new boss. It was great to see her smiling face and receive her warm welcome. What else would you expect from the person that over saw the dining operations at Disney World for years? There is nothing like feeling support, and by that I mean tangible physical support a hug and a smile. As that happened, through that small gesture from the petite woman to be my boss, and as silly as it may sound but I felt strengthen. Not only by her support, but it seemed as if everyone support was channeled through her.

Another strange twist of fate, now three time Indianapolis 500 winner, and winner of the coveted DWTS mirror ball trophy, Heilo Castranevas will be at my building within my first week there.

Though the idea of getting up at 4:30 is still a long thought of memory, I am sure after I adjust to the initial shock it will be like getting back on a bike I slept off of. (yea that sort of sucked but you know what I mean). I have a very small (pixie feet size) pair of shoes to fill with a reputation for excellence that is immense. I will do my best as the name BROWN once again gets put on a contractors badge, a little red Vibe makes its way down a familiar road, and parks in a lot that could be seen from its old home. Thank you wifey I promise not to let your reputation tarnish.

And I wish to thank each and every one of you out there for your compassion, strength, support and empowerment. It was very very tangible today and it felt damn good.

Chef Brown

Monday, June 15, 2009

So quick .........So long............Another month is gone

Saturday night I closed, getting off at midnight and home around 12:30. The drive was uneventful, stopped for a soda and smokes, it's graduation weekend and the streets are empty.

I new what I was going home to, the "kids", some tube, check the e-mail, and bed. Now dont take this the wrong way, but somtimes the greatest pitfall of going to sleep is having to wake up. The thought of waking up the next morning was building in my chest as I unlocked the door and walked into unconditional love of our dogs. Barking, yowling, jumping up and scampering, "DADDIES HOME, gotta pee, DADDIES HOME, gotta poo..................DADDIES HOME!!!!!" How can anyone remain down walking into that?

We all trolluped upstairs and out, the dogs doing their thing and I just waiting for them to return. We walked back into the house, treats were handed out and we went upstairs. I turned on the tube in the bedroom to occupy the pooches as i went into the office read that day's mail and checked e-mail. I played a few games of free cell (rigged!). Seemed like anything to avoid going to bed, but eyes started to win the battle and I shut down and closed off the office and headed to bed. As I walked into the bedroom there was Jubiee and Gambit on the bed tails wagging and Rogue on one of the dog beds, her front paws crossed so polite and lady like (cough cough yea lady like). I usually set the timer when I have the TV on when I go to bed but not tonight. I lay there, not being able to tell you what was one just images and sound. Gam and JuJu knew something was up as one tucked alog side of me as the other flanked my other side. there the three of us lay until it was later that morning and I guess I woke up.

I Lay there thinking of the day and what to do before work. (Heather had bought the "Procrastenators Handbook" supposedly for her but I think it was meant for me all along). It is time to finally put music together for Heather's celebration, I better do it and now, have had enough of the "tomorrow" days to do it. Now is the time for action.

I sat at the computer and opened up her ITunes, damn da wife has music to pick from. As I sat there, one song that Heather was emphatic about having wasn't in her library. I went to the IStore found it and downloaded it. Out of Heather's gazzilion songs I found about 55 that I have made a play list of for the celebration. The most impactful, at least for me, will be played at the at the begining during the moment of reflection. I selected these items 1. because of the meaning it had for us both (Sara M-Angel) will start very slow and emotional, yet meaningful to us both. Sara is a spokesperson for the ASPCA and this song plays in the background of a fundraising commercial. Needless to say abused and neglected animals touched us both deeply and would bring us to tears. Next something a little more (hell of a lot more) emotional will play, third- Fame by David Bowie, foiurth-Hard Headed Woman by the King when he was the King, fifth-She's a Rebel by Green Day, Lust for Life by Iggy Pop and finally Heather's must have song, (and I agree 1000%) What a Wonderful World by Joey Ramone. The rest of the music will be subdued so we can turn it down for background as anyone who wishes to speak can and to fill the void when there is silence.

I looked at my options and finished the play list.....................................then I listened. Red wet eyes, and shaking hands before the intro to Angel was over (Yea wife big stoic guy thats me!).

As I listened to the metatative music one word just fill my being forcing out all the built up juck (family friendly) and that word was why....................why...........................Why! The more I listened the more pain and anger grew again WHY! And yet the music soothed at the same time, for each and every song fits Heather to a T.

Gam and Jubie came over to me, Gam licking my legs while Jube stood on her back legs her front paws on my thighs both tails wagging to cheer up their dad. It didn't stop the tears but it did make me stop and smile and be grateful for what I had then, now, and the unkown future.
The two kids help snap me back to reality so to speak.

I got dressed for work, and checked my e-mail one more time. My dad had forwarded a few items to me that he had received, one titled "spiritual slideshow". I open, watched, and reflected as the slideshow went on with the end message that there is no coincidence but reasons why everything happens. For me getting this slide show on this day was not coincidence but didnt answer why but made me realize that there is a reason for it that I just haven't found or accepted yet. And one of the first times I actually fowarded the letter to people. Some that I intended to send I know that I missed and will correct that. Making sure my eyes were dry I left for work.

The biggest part of my job is to be with the guests, upbeat and warm. Not today, I stayed towards the back keeping an eye on things and only going up front is needed. It was a slow day which made it even worse as time dragged on. As a small dinner crowd came I reached in my pocket and pulled out my cell phone, the time was 5:41 pm, I teared up again. I finished my shift and headed home again this time looking forward with a smile to the greeting I would get, a weight slowly was being lifted, the clock was heading toward a new day.

The routine started, dogs out/in grab a coffee and head upstairs. Tonight I met my parents on SKYPE and we talked, laughed, joked and yes let a tear roll without a fight this night. When it came time to sign off the clock had changed to Monday the 15th. No longer was it Sunday June 14th.................the 14th..............................the damned 14th!

When will the 14th of a month become just a date and not a painful memory. I cant wait for that day to come and yet there is something inside that tells me that I will always need to remember
the events of that day and just readjust my filter to remember the good and tone the pain.

This Sunday June 14th made two months to the day, next Sunday is fathers day and the following Saturday is Heather's celebration. Anyone out there with any emotional steroids? lol

much love

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

"Who will remember me?"

There are times, moments, events, sites, or actions that cause this phrase to be driven into my brain like a railroad spike with pain and the annoyance like bad elevator music. My first reaction is how dare Heather think that she would not be remembered? Such a time came today. I know that I had posted prior that I was taking Heather's hats and wigs to the cancer center, and I have continued to put it off. Today, was the day. I have had them bundled and ready since I returned the first time that I had gone to the center to donate Heather's books. I started laundry fed and let out the dogs and when they came in I took a deep breath grabbed the bag and walked out the door.

The center is about ten minutes away from the house, and in one aspect it seemed as if i just walked out of my door and was there another it seemed to take forever. I parked in the patient drop off mainly out of cowardice I guess not having to be there any longer than need be. My eyes started to water before I got out of the car. I walked to the elevator, pressed the button fighting back tears as I got on and pushed the button for the second floor (no wonder I'm fat lol). When I got off of the elevator my throat was tight but my eyes were dry. I stepped up to that wonderful smiling receptionist smiled and waved. Remembering my name, wish I could hers, she greeted me asked how I was doing and why I was there. I told her as I handed over the bag with Heather's items and asked if I could stop back and say hi to the staff. With that wonderful smile she simply buzzed and let me in.

Maintaining, I walked back to the treatment area and saw two of the three nurses that treated Heather. They were all smiles as they asked what I was there for. I told them and they seemed very happy that I followed through on what I had promised a month ago. I looked around as we spoke and then one of those damn moments struck me straight between the eyes.

Hanging on the counter, so simple, so innocent, yet so damn cinematic was Heather's pink umbrella. ( I have thought if it was still there at least once a week since my last visit.) I jokingly said, "You mean as nasty as the storms were yesterday you still couldn't find anyone to take that old thing away?" Half heartily laughing as I did so. The one nurse spoke up smiling and said, "We sort of put it out when it's bad, but really we just like having it with us." And like now as I write this my eyes fought back and won as tears rolled down my face. I could only smile as I waved and left eyes watering well after being back in the car and on the road.

That's right wife just who the hell is going to remember you? Damn it!

I went to the grocery store last night. No biggie have been there a few times to pick up mainly dog items since Heather passed. But last night was the first time I went for groceries. Strange how many memories one does not know they have of groceries or the store. Fights over who would push the cart, organic/non organic, white or brown eggs, butter or Parkay (they still make Parkay?) but they are definitely there with every turn and walk up an aisle one would get to me didn't matter if they were of something good/bad, funny/sad they were just there. Next was coming home from the store with no one to manage the dogs as I brought the groceries in. It was a definite surreal moment.

There is new addition to the Brown household that I noticed Sunday while cutting the grass. In the front on one side of the house we have a bed that has about 60 clumps of day lilies as well as a clump of zebra grass that is about 2 foot diameter. As I was cutting the grass I noticed movement from the zebra grass, I looked over my shoulder and noticed a shadow nothing more. I finished my row turned and headed back to the bed end of the yard and saw the day Lillis move. I stopped the mower when I finished that row walked over to the beds to see a baby rabbit scamper back to the zebra grass. That was what the doctor ordered, it made me chuckle. I went back to cutting the grass and with every pass that took me away from the bed I would look over my shoulder and see a little head pop out, on my return it would run for cover.

This morning, before going to the center, while standing in the Florida room I looked out and noticed that the rabbit was meandering in the overgrown vegetable beds that I need to tend to again what the doctor ordered. Our yard has always attracted rabbits for some reason and Heather would look out the bay window and go "bunny rabbit! bunny rabbit!" in baby voice excited to see one and just having fun.

Again who is going to remember you or what you did?

Friday night I met two girls that Heather worked with for a drink. We were standing there talking when I looked across the room and thought that I recognized a face. I excused myself for a moment and walked across the room. In an earlier post I mention my need to thank those that had helped Heather as part of my healing or closure process. One of those that I have not been able to do that with is the nurse from the hospice that spoke to Heather, her mother and I on her last night and helped put the three of us at ease if Heather were to return as anticipated. When I got to the other side of the room I asked, "aren't you a hospice nurse?" She turned, looked at me with a stunned look replied that she was then I proceeded to tell her who I was and why I came over. She smiled at me and gave me a huge hug thanking me, then you should have seen the look her date gave me lol! (sometimes being 6'7" and 305 works in situations like this) We chatted and laughed, I bought her and her date a drink before returning to my friends. Cary, I think that I can speak for Heather's mom as well as myself when I say thank you ever so much for those few brief moments that night that helped ease us and speaking for myself made handling the events of the next less catastrophic and manageable.

Finally, as I mentioned last week that Heather had helped dress me when deciding what shoes to wear with my suit. What I did not go into great detail is the reason why I was wearing the suit. I was going for my third interview for a new job. Whether or not if it was the shoes, or Heather's Tiffany pen that I carry with me, or just poor judgement on their part, I was offered and have accepted the job. I will now be the executive chef/production manager for a contractor at one of Richmond's larger companies (psssst. Michelle which building do you work in? hint hint). This will help adding a little more structure in my life, and I am sure that the neighbors will appreciate the dogs NOT going off at midnight when I get home working nights lol.

Thank you wifey I know that you helped, and no matter what you ever thought the impact that you have made without knowing it will guarantee that you will always be remembered you brat!

I love all of you out there, be strong

Scott the pooches, and now rabbit

Friday, June 5, 2009

Strength Determination..........and Warped Humor

I hope that this posts. I have been working on the wife's computer alot lately, and not only because its faster lol. But every time I fire it up I see the wall paper Heather was living up to and I thought that I would share it with you. Again I hope it posts.
That's my wifey!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

heathers voicemail

I had told you that I had received Heather's voice mail greeting in MP3 format. It has taken until today to be able to hear her voice again as I look for some kleenex. For those who would like fopr me to send it to them please send me an e-mail.

If you receive it please please be ready for it, I thought I was.

Love to you all