Wednesday, June 10, 2009

"Who will remember me?"

There are times, moments, events, sites, or actions that cause this phrase to be driven into my brain like a railroad spike with pain and the annoyance like bad elevator music. My first reaction is how dare Heather think that she would not be remembered? Such a time came today. I know that I had posted prior that I was taking Heather's hats and wigs to the cancer center, and I have continued to put it off. Today, was the day. I have had them bundled and ready since I returned the first time that I had gone to the center to donate Heather's books. I started laundry fed and let out the dogs and when they came in I took a deep breath grabbed the bag and walked out the door.

The center is about ten minutes away from the house, and in one aspect it seemed as if i just walked out of my door and was there another it seemed to take forever. I parked in the patient drop off mainly out of cowardice I guess not having to be there any longer than need be. My eyes started to water before I got out of the car. I walked to the elevator, pressed the button fighting back tears as I got on and pushed the button for the second floor (no wonder I'm fat lol). When I got off of the elevator my throat was tight but my eyes were dry. I stepped up to that wonderful smiling receptionist smiled and waved. Remembering my name, wish I could hers, she greeted me asked how I was doing and why I was there. I told her as I handed over the bag with Heather's items and asked if I could stop back and say hi to the staff. With that wonderful smile she simply buzzed and let me in.

Maintaining, I walked back to the treatment area and saw two of the three nurses that treated Heather. They were all smiles as they asked what I was there for. I told them and they seemed very happy that I followed through on what I had promised a month ago. I looked around as we spoke and then one of those damn moments struck me straight between the eyes.

Hanging on the counter, so simple, so innocent, yet so damn cinematic was Heather's pink umbrella. ( I have thought if it was still there at least once a week since my last visit.) I jokingly said, "You mean as nasty as the storms were yesterday you still couldn't find anyone to take that old thing away?" Half heartily laughing as I did so. The one nurse spoke up smiling and said, "We sort of put it out when it's bad, but really we just like having it with us." And like now as I write this my eyes fought back and won as tears rolled down my face. I could only smile as I waved and left eyes watering well after being back in the car and on the road.

That's right wife just who the hell is going to remember you? Damn it!

I went to the grocery store last night. No biggie have been there a few times to pick up mainly dog items since Heather passed. But last night was the first time I went for groceries. Strange how many memories one does not know they have of groceries or the store. Fights over who would push the cart, organic/non organic, white or brown eggs, butter or Parkay (they still make Parkay?) but they are definitely there with every turn and walk up an aisle one would get to me didn't matter if they were of something good/bad, funny/sad they were just there. Next was coming home from the store with no one to manage the dogs as I brought the groceries in. It was a definite surreal moment.

There is new addition to the Brown household that I noticed Sunday while cutting the grass. In the front on one side of the house we have a bed that has about 60 clumps of day lilies as well as a clump of zebra grass that is about 2 foot diameter. As I was cutting the grass I noticed movement from the zebra grass, I looked over my shoulder and noticed a shadow nothing more. I finished my row turned and headed back to the bed end of the yard and saw the day Lillis move. I stopped the mower when I finished that row walked over to the beds to see a baby rabbit scamper back to the zebra grass. That was what the doctor ordered, it made me chuckle. I went back to cutting the grass and with every pass that took me away from the bed I would look over my shoulder and see a little head pop out, on my return it would run for cover.

This morning, before going to the center, while standing in the Florida room I looked out and noticed that the rabbit was meandering in the overgrown vegetable beds that I need to tend to again what the doctor ordered. Our yard has always attracted rabbits for some reason and Heather would look out the bay window and go "bunny rabbit! bunny rabbit!" in baby voice excited to see one and just having fun.

Again who is going to remember you or what you did?

Friday night I met two girls that Heather worked with for a drink. We were standing there talking when I looked across the room and thought that I recognized a face. I excused myself for a moment and walked across the room. In an earlier post I mention my need to thank those that had helped Heather as part of my healing or closure process. One of those that I have not been able to do that with is the nurse from the hospice that spoke to Heather, her mother and I on her last night and helped put the three of us at ease if Heather were to return as anticipated. When I got to the other side of the room I asked, "aren't you a hospice nurse?" She turned, looked at me with a stunned look replied that she was then I proceeded to tell her who I was and why I came over. She smiled at me and gave me a huge hug thanking me, then you should have seen the look her date gave me lol! (sometimes being 6'7" and 305 works in situations like this) We chatted and laughed, I bought her and her date a drink before returning to my friends. Cary, I think that I can speak for Heather's mom as well as myself when I say thank you ever so much for those few brief moments that night that helped ease us and speaking for myself made handling the events of the next less catastrophic and manageable.

Finally, as I mentioned last week that Heather had helped dress me when deciding what shoes to wear with my suit. What I did not go into great detail is the reason why I was wearing the suit. I was going for my third interview for a new job. Whether or not if it was the shoes, or Heather's Tiffany pen that I carry with me, or just poor judgement on their part, I was offered and have accepted the job. I will now be the executive chef/production manager for a contractor at one of Richmond's larger companies (psssst. Michelle which building do you work in? hint hint). This will help adding a little more structure in my life, and I am sure that the neighbors will appreciate the dogs NOT going off at midnight when I get home working nights lol.

Thank you wifey I know that you helped, and no matter what you ever thought the impact that you have made without knowing it will guarantee that you will always be remembered you brat!

I love all of you out there, be strong

Scott the pooches, and now rabbit


  1. OMG wow gratz on the new job Scott! I'll have to be sure to go there for lunch. There's really only 2 sites that still have enough people to have the cafe going :)

    I'm so excited for you.

    I hope you are keeping your college going (altho I'll understand if you took this qtr off). Heather had told me she made you promise to keep at it and finish it up :)

    As usual your post has me tearing up a bit. I can't tell you how often I think of Heather or even Rob made an offhand comment tonight when we were watching tv. Anna asked why they make the credits scroll so fast at the ends of shows and Rob told her that Heather always said that in CA they always read the credits because you almost always know one of the people.

  2. Hi Scott,

    Tears once sure know how to make a grown woman cry. :-)

    Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt experience.