Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Daily Grind

So now that the terror, excitement and disbelief of diagnosis is over and chemo is started, I'm settling in to living with cancer. Not quite as glamourous as you would imagine, let me say. While I had some pretty significant ups and downs at first, now it's just a matter of coping with the exhaustion and the chemo cycling in addition to everything else regular life holds. I find that I get quite frustrated with being tired, especially over a long weekend like this one, where cycle two chimed in to make me sick and tired (not debilitated, just sick enough to keep me from doing what I wanted to do) and made me feel like I was wasting time lying around. There is still plenty to do around here, and it seems like I get a bit more behind every day. I stayed home from work today with flu-like symptoms, even though I think its chemo-related and not actual illness, but it's getting to me to have to do things in five minute spurts of energy, then a big rest period. I am basically frustrated with exhaustion and not sure how to get any additional energy without more resting (ugh!).

Now don't get me wrong, I like lounging around reading a good book as much as the next person, but it's getting to be a bit ridiculous. It seems that I'm in bed more than out of it when at home, and I have stuff to do! As you can see my mood is a bit flat and I want to add some life to my life, if that makes sense, but TV, books and the like are not cutting it for me right now. I guess I just want to feel good. I did my first FORCE workout, and that felt good, but it also made me sweat (alot!) after only 10 minutes on the treadmil at 2.5 mph! That's serious low blood count, I guess. I'm feeling bottled up but with no energy to burn. I just don't know how much of the day-to-day tired cancer living I'm going to get behind without an alternative plan to help me perk up the mood a bit. Visualizations are great, but it does sometimes feel like more relaxing and lying around. So, next step: find mental stimulus that will occupy me, make me feel accomplished yet not sap physical strength....

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