So yesterday was research day, and it left me in a pretty down mood, I must say. It seems that with all of my little foibles and twists I end up in the "0-5% survival rate after five years" category. I did find a case of a woman who had her cancer, including that which had spread to her lungs, spontaneously regress, so she is my new hero, but the German, Chinese and Czech reports all were in accord on the above numbers. Well, screw statistics, I am more than a number.
I want everyone to join me as we have a huge pep rally for 5% this weekend. To come to the imaginary pep rally, all you have to do is picture yourself and your friends filling the bleachers at a football stadium, hear the big bass drums beating, feel the chill on your cheeks and watch your breath as you cheer "Come on, 5%!" Pick whatever colors you choose, just follow along with the cheerleaders and 5% can do miraculous things.
I think part of what is getting to me, and perhaps this is a delayed reaction to getting the news, is that from now on this is me, this is how I will be identified, linked with cancer forever. I feel like I'm not just me anymore, I now have this thing that comes with me, that is always in the room, always part of the conversation, even when its not. Maybe its just because its on my mind, I hope everyone else doesn't feel this way around me, because its not a burden I want anyone else to have to bear.