Sunday, May 10, 2009

The First Holiday

First I would like to wish a very happy Mother's day to all that it applies to out there. Appreciate the day, hold your mother tight against your heart, mothers hold your children even tighter no matter how far the distance may be and make today special somehow.

I wasn't going to post today, but I need a means of release and this is the best way for me today.

I fell victim to self pity yesterday........twice. First, I got my haircut. I told Leah that Heather had past before she could ask me how I was. (how do you tell someone the news? Do you let them say something then spring it on them and make them feel like crap or do you just blurt it out?) we talked a bit about her and then it hit me, Heather wouldn't be home to "inspect" the cut, and secondly I caught my self saying something that as soon as I did made me wished that my lips were super glued shut and that I had an idiot monitor in my head with a stun gun. For those who read my post about Gambit, you know that things aren't looking great for him, and probably I am being selfish and self protecting in having his surgery, but I have to try. This is something that I can have done where I wasn't able to do or have anything done for Heather. Right or wrong I can't stand on the sidelines with my big buddy if there is one last chance to help him. That being said, I took Jubie to the vet yesterday for her yearly exam. Heart worm test, rabies vaccination the usual. With the way life has been lately, Though I knew pretty much everything would come back negative, it still shocked me when it did. I talked to Dr. Gary for a bit after before we headed to Mickey D's to get an after vet treat to take home to the rest of the kids.

After getting home and things had settled down, I started to do laundry. (We have a baby gate across the door of the laundry room to keep the dogs out.) Jubie was at the gate looking in at me with those damn brown eyes and yes I fell victim to her ways and let her in (which hasn't happened since she was a pup and would squeeze under then whine to be let out when she could have pushed it open-go figure) Then I said it, the damnedest stupidest thing that I have ever said I think. I looked down at her and said "at least you re not trying to leave me". My ears were disconnected from my mouth as I heard what I uttered in shock, dismay, and just plane pissed of at what I had said. How the hell dare I make such a statement No one has or is trying to leave me by there choice and what type of an ass am I to think let alone say it. I stood there rubbed her head and cried. I then went up and sat on the couch and held Gambit's head and kissed him and told him to hold, we're getting that damn thing off of you in a few days. Heather wasn't a saint nor a demon just Heather and no matter how pissed I made her only loved me, and Gambit has only love for me and Heather and for me to think that either one of them were just out to leave me was just crap with a capital BS.

I told myself that I could keep myself rational and not fall victim to feeling self pity, I probably could have convinced myself that I could build a fire on an ice flow and not have it melt through too then. But I did, man did I and in a big big way. I just couldn't get it out of my head on my way into work last night.

Heather and I chose not to have children, when we got married I was 40 and she was 37. We thought about the possibility for a few years then decide not to. If we were to ever change our minds we would go through the adoption process. Well that didn't happen either and to be honest I am glad we did at the moment. But that doesn't mean we didn't celebrate mother's and father's day (damn she still owes me a freaking rotisserie that brat!!!!). We would get each other cards one would be "signed" by all the kids and one by us. We would get up, give the appropriate party their card, make a Starbucks run, and either hang out in bed with the kids or have our SB's looking at pet finders for available "kids" as a novelty.

The kids woke me up this morning doing the "pee pee/its breakfast time" dance, I was down stairs and had let them out before I remembered what today was. I just started to cry, I went over to her urn, rubbed it and told her how much I missed her and wished she was here and how it hasn't even been a month and yet seems like eternity. The dogs started to come in and I sucked it up not to upset them (you with "kids" know what I mean). I waited for a bit then called my mom. Choking back tears I wished her a happy mothers day. I am sure she knew that I was holding them back and by her voice I think she was too, but she never said anything.

After I went to Starbucks, even though I shouldn't, got my venti nonfat mocha with and extra shot, a scone and a slice of pumpkin bread (pumpkin bread was one of Heather's favorites). When I got home I sat on the couch sipped my drink ate my scone and gave the dogs the pumpkin bread and still celebrated with Heather. Later Heather's mom called, we talked for a bit, about Heather, the celebration and just missing her. I had to cut the call short, Leigh from the Virginia Romance Writers group came over to pick up all of the work that Heather had completed for the Holt Medalion contest (she was this years president-elect and contest coordinator). I sat on the couch again (I know Barbara, I didn't call you back but I will) and said screw it. First I got up and cut the grass in the back yard (thanks Dave and Mary, my mower should be out of the shop this week), then I took the doors off of the book case and set up an area in the Florida room to start painting them. As I started the second coat, I became consumed with a rush of anger. Damn it this is Heather's job, she designs it I build it and she finishes it and makes it look professional. I am not suppose to be doing this.

I had to step away and it seemed as if everything hit at once.

I am angry, I am pissed off, I feel violated, I feel cheated, something has been stolen from me with no chance of recovering. I am frustrated, confused, perplexed. I feel lost, stressed, longing, guilty, helpless. I can't think of an emotion I haven't felt today. I am a seething Tesla ball, I am the first atomic bomb prior to detonation. If I lived on a movie set it would be in shambles by now (only because I could destroy it and someone else would rebuild it lol). I am not a robot I am just damn human and today I hurt and hurt hard.

But as much as I rage, feeling sorry for myself, or hurt I am not alone.

I am not the one going to a mail box void of a 47 year post, I am not the one with every ring of the phone having quick feeling that (even knowing its not possible) it might be. I am not the one this year that is missing their child.

Though I am a husband missing a spouse I have no idea what thoughts are in the mind of mothers missing their child.

Why couldn't the first holiday have been Ground Hogs Day???


  1. Hi Scott, I'm sorry you're feeling so down today. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing great. The description of how you are feeling reminds me of one of my favorite movies - it's a silly one - but you may enjoy it to just get your mind away briefly and to laugh a bit - Have you seen "Kicking and Screaming" with Will Ferrell? Even if you have seen it - it is one that is good over and over I think. You are doing the right thing with Gambit. We are all here to support you and don't forget that! Keep posting. I'm sure this must all just be a part of the feelings you need to go through to get you where you need to be. I'm sure Heather is watching over you and the kids and wishing she had gotten you that rotisserie :) You deserve it. Have a great week!

  2. A mother achingly missing her child has the same thoughts as you had today, Scott. Lots of tears. Lots of "if onlys". Lots of "whys". But also lots of love and gratitude that we at least had her for as long as we did. Her 47 years is actually 16,685 days (yes, that includes the leap years.) I am especially grateful that I was given the precious gift of being able to share her last three days on this earth as well as all the others.
    Thank you for taking such good care of Heather for the last 10+. And for taking care of Gambit and all my grand dogs.
    Love, Barbara

  3. Scott - I am at a loss for the appropriate words to comment on your post, so what comes to mind is "1. I am so sorry you are going through this right now, and 2. It sucks with a capital S. 3. If there is anything i can do, please call me.


  4. Hi Scott,

    I just read your post today and just cried. Man, I just can't imagine what you and Barbara and the dogs, any everyone is going through. It just hurts me and I don't even know you or knew Heather. But, again I so appreciate your postings and think it really does help you and everyone else. A hug to you and the dogs!