Saturday, May 2, 2009

What a Day

I was originally going title this post "some days just suck!" But today was a mixed day leaning toward the lower end of the scale. My work schedule requires both days and nights. Its been"easy" the past few days working days. I get up, let the pooches out, feed them, shower dress, let them out again then off to work I go. I have no time to mull over the past just on with the days business and come home, and by the time I do usually my feeble little mind is so over tasked that I don't have the energy too if I wanted. Today was different, to much dead time to think before going in, to quiet of a house to listen to, too many memories staring me in the face. Damn I hate firsts of this nature.

Heather and I would cut the dog nails with the exception of Jubiee, we would need to take her to the vet. One would hold and steady the dog as the other would do the trim. I know that I am big, but not big enough to trim Rogue's nails. When I called the vet they informed me that she was over do for her rabies vaccine so off to the vet it was.

When Rogue and I arrived, I was then informed (sheesh) that all of the dogs were due for their heartworm preventative (I am so tired of medicines, even the ones that work) just great! We went back to the exam room the tow techs came in and trimmed Rogue's nails and prepared her vaccine and said that Dr. Tom would be in next. (Heather and I often tried to figure out how to describe Dr. Tom, and I guess the best would be St. Francis with a smock, just real, honestly caring and concerned, a good guy) When he walked in his first concern was how I was doing we chatted, also informed him that of the three"kids" Gambit is the one having the hardest time adjusting, showing extreme depression from time to time. Those of you with animals know what I mean, they almost look as if you have beat them, and probably have emotionally. We talked about Heather, Gambits attachment to her, her celebration etc. After the exam and telling me that Rogue's heart murmur hasn't changed (much needed good news) he gave her the vaccine and we were ready to leave. At the desk checking out, two "saged" ladies came in to get a refill for one of their pets. Rogue perked like a puppy and seemed to look at me and ask if she could go to the ladies at the same time they were asking if they could pet her. To be honest, I don't think that it really mattered what I said, the three old girls were going to get together no matter what (lol). Rogue and her graying muzzle leaning up into the aged, marked, and knuckled hands that no artist could ever imitate to show a loving grandmotherly glowing touch. I also didn't know who the interaction had the greater effect on.

As I went watched the three old coots I turned to pay the bill as the one tech apologized for the way that she had spoke to me earlier on the phone (yea you guessed it) and asked if I wanted to make any (name) changes to the account. My eyes started to water and my voice crackled a bit as I told her no I'm not quite ready to do that yet. She nodded, faint grin and gave me her condolences. And away to home we went.

Damn still three hours before work. I continued doing what I am learning to hate, making the calls to inform, changing names on accounts like phone cable etc. As I left the office and went into the bedroom I looked at the bed and knew it was time for another step. Changing the sheets. It has been approximately two weeks-two days-eighteen hours and change since Heather left, an ed I have been sleeping on the same sheets that we last shared until today. I have yet to slide to the center of the bed let alone her side to sleep, and in a California King that's a hell of a lot of room. It had to be done sometime and today felt like the day. The pooches knew somehow what was happening, either feeding off of my emotion or they just "knew" what was happening. All three especially Gambit were depressed, heads lowered, tails between there tails as I removed the sheets, each sensing the inevitable has come to pass. As I took the sheets off of the bed I folded them, and not to brag, but they were folded better coming off of the bed than when we put them on. And here they are sitting in the chair next to me along with her pillows, and mattress pad.

Maybe that's why I had no urge to come home tonight And maybe that is why I am sitting her at 3 am posting instead of sleeping, because the sheets have changed.

Like I said some days just suck!


  1. Oh, my heart aches on so many levels. Words are inadequate to express it. Scott, you are very generous to share your feelings through this sad journey you must take. I think I speak for the other readers of this blog when I say thank you for that- just as we thanked Heather for sharing her difficult journey with us. We love you both so much and send peace and hugs to you.

  2. Scott - I am really sorry that everyday there is a new sad thing to go through, but you are doing a great job facing each one. I can't begin to imagine how you feel, but I know that Heather would be proud of you and is looking down at you and smiling. Y

  3. I'm echoing Barbara.. and Anonymous
    so sad..I think we all knew the grief-crash was coming..
    but we can't Help..we can only Listen..and support you by being here

    thankfully, you're writing..
    This is to let you know, again, that you are not alone..

    Our hearts so go out to you, Scott

  4. Same sentiments as many others. My heart really goes out to you and the pooches. I know we don't know each other, nor did I know Heather, but with how eloquently you write in this blog, I feel like I have known you both forever.