Monday, May 18, 2009

outside forces

First for all of you who have been sending Gambit your support, an update. Gambit has had his drain tubes removed tonight, and while Dr. Tom was removing them Gambit kept giving him kisses. Guess he really wanted them out lol, but for those of you who know him you know that it is just Gambits nature, a big lovable lug that likes to give kisses. So far no surprises, the pathology came back the same as last time, the same REMOVABLE sarcoma, just need to get him in quicker next time. He will have his staples removed next week then we just need to wait for his hair to grow back from getting shaved. Go Go Gadget Gambi!!! (a Heatherism)

Now back to the title, that's right at times it is the outside forces that kick us straight in the ass and dictates when we need to make our next move.

That force happened last Friday. For reason beyond my control it was just time to move forward. ("I told you to clear off the landing and the spare room didn't I? It wouldn't hurt if you ran a broom or picked up your socks either wiener dog!") Yes wife I know you told me over and over............ (Damn I really miss that). But needless to say there is work to be done.

First the Florida room, all tools from working on the projects taken out to the shop and a good sweep, and sweep, sweep. Damn between the dog hair, dust, dead yellow jackets, and pollen all I can say is holy crap. But it is ready to be scraped and scrubbed, then primed and painted (Willard). That was easy.

Next the spare room, this is a completely different story. The spare room was going to be Heather's craft room to sew, bead, knit, and practice to be a voice over artist. (for those who knew Heather yes she was getting into all that domestic stuff she used to scoff at so don't fall over lol.) All but the craft books had been taken downstairs and put on the shelves, the room was still pretty much a staging area though with games and game consoles to be sold, bags, etc.. Some items to keep and others that needed to go. After getting most of the junk, and a broken light bulb up (I should have had shoes on Mary I think I have a piece of glass in my heel), I started to organize the room. Opening the closet to see Heather's summer clothes-rough, her pink leopard fuzzy slippers-rough, her jewelry, both made and given-rough, her two baby albums from infant to about 7 years old------rougher, and finally our wedding album---damn near disastrous. I had to stop take a few breaths look through it and move on. I was flooded with a rush of mixed emotions but felt Heather kick me in the ass saying, "stop dawdling, and get back to work!" When the room was ready I gave Mary (both her and David are pictured next to neighbor in "the big dic" per Heather or to the rest of us the dictionary) call and she helped me go through Heather's crafting stuff so that I could finish organizing the room. We talked a bit, laughed, cried, cussed and finally just shook our heads.

Next the was probably the toughest of the tasks to date. I have tried to keep the office in some what good order, but in the corner the job I have purposely put off. Her suitcase. Heather's suitcase has sat in the same spot since I brought it home that damn night. Something that I have not looked forward to going through and wished that I could just put in a time capsule and not have to deal with. But reality is a harsh mistress and slapped me straight across my face, and slowly went to tackle the task. Almost as if a ghost had appeared, as soon as I opened the suitcase all three dogs ran up the stairs expecting their noses to be leading them disappointment and depression. It showed and to anyone that says "dumb animals" can just go screw themselves (family friendly version), they feel, love, and long for their lost mother, even more so because of their acute senses that picks up anything when you open a closet, or a suitcase. They lay on the floor as I went through her items. Some I couldn't find a trash bag fast enough to put in others I was mixed, and finally the items that set aside to keep that she wore, her scent still faint on them, and finally an item that what to do with just had me dumbfounded. It was Heather's medical DNR form. What the hell am I suppose to do with this damn thing?

This damn innocent yellow piece of paper with, "STOP DO NOT RESUSCITATE" stamped in red at the top of it. This damn form that kept a room of medical professionals standing on the sidelines as Heather's mother and I held her as she faded and past away. This damn wonderful piece of paper that did more to put an end to Heather's pain and bring her to peace than anyone with knowledge or love could ever do. This damn piece of paper that was the last thing that Heather would ever sign. Again I asked, what the hell am I suppose to do with this damn thing? I still don't have an answer as this damn piece of paper sits on the desk staring at me.

And finally on this round Heather's closets. Yes, as much as people have offered to help me go through her things, there was something that struck me that it was time and I needed to do it privately. I started with Heather's summer things in the closet in the spare room. There were three areas...............donation, consignment, and keep. As I started, my chest tightened, eyes watered, memories flashed, but the act of separating wasn't difficult. Almost as I was led to the item and which area that it went to. Next was a bit, no, much harder. The closet in the bedroom. Not only was there the closet but also two of Heather's jackets that she had worn to work were still hanging on the back of the bedroom door. The dogs followed me as I went into the bedroom and watched as with tears in my eyes I slowly went item by item from her closet. First there was the hats and wigs that I plan on taking to the cancer center tomorrow that I hadn't yet. I think that I am ready to go back there now. Next was the drawers, this as relatively painless. Stockings, panties, bras, socks, the stuff that more or less didn't fall into any of the three categories and went into the dispose of pile. Next the hanging items, this was a lot rougher needless to say, as the dogs laid with their heads on their paws looking up at me, I went through each item and separated them. Then came time to bag the donated items and take the items down to be sold downstairs to my closet. Again it was as if being led what went where. With that, I decided to call it a night.

Again sometimes there are outside forces that dictate when we take our next step.

Speaking of next steps.....................IT'S THE FINALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who's going to win?????? Heather (even though she was in love with Tony) and I would both agree that Gilles should win (and yes I have had the hots for Cheryl and Edyta, and Heather would never let me live it done).
Guess we will find out tomorrow. Then "So You Think You Dance" starts next week!!!!!!!!!
(Damn you wife what the hell have you done to me!!!!!!!!) Well at least no more Project Runway, or Top Design. (Heidi is WAY over rated if you ask me anyway).

Still haven't heard anything from "What Not to Wear", but I truly thank all of you who forwarded her application to the show and maybe sometime in the future.


  1. I was amazed that you even went through some of her stuff the first week Scott, I hear that it's difficult to part/sort/dispose of a loved ones belongings. I say "hear" because I have not lost someone that close to me, so I could never assume to judge or say I know what you are going through. I know Heather would be glad that the spare room is cleaned lol, we kept getting dog hair in the book packets when we were taping them up. I also know it will take you still longer to get rid of even more stuff (like you know Heath would tell you to do :P). I'm glad that Mary is there for you, reading your blogs it seems that Mary has been a shoulder that you have allowed yourself to lean on.

  2. Hi Scott,

    You are one courageous fellow. I am so glad you have the dogs to help you through this awful time.

    We had to put down my 15 year old cat, Billie, this past weekend. I so miss her little head on my head as we sleep. Billie, please go nuzzle against Heather. :-)

    Big hugs to all,

  3. Ok, I'm just too excited to wait to tell Scott tomorrow and I know he reads email at night so I just have to post this to share.....
    I noticed a big difference in Gambi's mood since his surgery. more perk in his step, very lovey, and more stamina while cruising the backyard. When I read that Gambi would still have to be crated my heart sank because he digs in his heels when I try to re-crate him after dinner. He lumbers around the yard so happily, then heads to the couch and really pulls against being lef to his crate. BUT he went willingly this evening which is a good thing because Gambino boy was wild!!!!!! The cool, sunny weather, more breathing room in his chest, I donno but boyfren' was play mounting Rogue, engaginf the red-rascal, but most exciting of all, PLAYING WITH HIS "precious" (his red ball)! I haven't seen him show any interest in PRECIOUS in at least 6 weeks! Red-rascal realised it too and stole it away looking over her shoulder and as my jaw hit the ground, Gambi took chase..... That's when I realised that crating is indeed going to be necessary until his staples come out because he's really frisky! Anyway, this isn't my forum but as one of the pooches caregivers I just had to share the experience I just had with Gambi and how happy I am at this incredible and quick recovery.... He's going to be ok, Heather, and I'm helping Scott take care of your babies. They're going to be just fine....

  4. oh and by the way... for the umpteenmillionth time... i really miss you Heather...

  5. Dear Scott,
    As hard as it has been so many times, we applaud you for knowing when it's time to take the next step - and then doing it. You are incredible! It's always heart wrenching (read, makes me cry)to read this kind of post but these are those unavoidable things that are supposed to make us grow as people. If that's the case you must be 100 feet tall by now.

    Great news about Gambit! Such a relief.

    Susan, you made me cry, too when you asked Billie to go nuzzle Heather. She would love that. I'm so sorry for your loss of Billie.

    This is all I can say for right now.
    Love, Barbara

  6. Scott - I am really proud of you for all that you have accomplised in a a month, not the least of which are writing in the blog and going through her stuff. Hope to see you this weekend, Love, Y